Emmett vs The Mower
by Rosalie McCarty
Summary: A silly one-shot. It's Emmett's turn to mow the grass... but who has the patience for that? Just silly good fun.
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N) I know I should be working on my other stuff, but this just popped into my mind and I couldn't let if go.**

Okay, it didn't sound like a bad idea at the time.

What am I talking about, you say? - Well, it all started about four hours ago... (Queue the corny fuzzy flashback borders)

I was sitting on the couch playing Halo. The big boss on level six just came out of the ground coming at me with weird lobster hands when Carlisle started to talk to me.

The bad thing about being a vampire is that it's pretty much impossible to tune people out. Um... not that I wanted to tune Carlisle out. Of course not... I was just... um, stating that fact.

So as I was saying, Carlisle started talking.

"Emmett, it's your turn." He stated.

"For what?" I asked playing dumb while shooting the little bugs on the screen.

"Emmett..." He said in that tone only a parent can use when their kids are acting out in some way.

"What!?" I asked incredulously, I really wanted him to leave. This boss was hard! (and if Jasper and Rosalie find out that I almost lost I'd never hear the end of it.)

"Alice did it last week, and now it's your turn." Carlisle walked around the couch and approached my precious X-box 360. The only one that has lasted for two weeks straight without being broken or thrown out the window or ... ripped to shreds and hidden in the empty kitchen cabinets which no one has found yet... Hey, I saw nothing!

"Emmett, do you want me to turn off the console or are you going to listen to me?" He stepped in front of the TV.

"Hey! YOu're... you're!" I leaned trying to get my view of the boss. "I... I have to beat him! MovE!"

But it was to late. A red tint covered the screen and I was dead. Dead as only a virtual dead guys can.

I humphed and crossed my arms in defiance.

Carlisle shook his head.

"You killed me." I mumbled.

"Emmett!" Carlisle shrieked shocked. "That was over sixty years ago! I thought you would have gotten over it! Rosalie made me. It's all her fault. I thought you liked this life..."

I snapped my head in his direction and crinkled my eyebrows. "No. No. No. Not that. You just killed me in the game. I'm dead see." I pointed the TV wear the camera was covering every angle of my dismembered virtual body.

"Oh." Carlisle shrugged.

He's so old school.

"Well... I'm gonna go and see what Edward's up to." I quickly got up and headed for the stairs, hoping Carlisle would forget what he was going to tell me to do.

"Wait!"

Dang it.

"I'm not finished with you." Carlisle's authoritative voice took over and it scared the shit out of me..., which is strange, because I don't have shit. I haven't taken a dump in over sixty years.

"It wasn't me!" I held up my hands and looked innocent in an annoying way.

"It's your turn to mow." Carlisle finished his thought shaking his head in disappointment.

I groaned.

"Emmett." There's that tone again.

"But... why do we have to mow??"

"Because son, we have a yard. And we have grass on our yard. And the grass grows on our yard. And it gets messy and ugly if the grass keeps growing on our yard without cutting it. So... son, that's why we mow."

"But it's sooooo slow!!" I whined. "I just don't see the point in it. No one ever comes here."

"Are you calling Bella no one?"

"Yea, I mean no. Because she's practically one of us. And... It's just so slow. Isn't there a faster way? I mean, that mower we got looks like an awesome beast but there's got to be a better way."

"Sorry, Emmett. But no. Things take time. Not everything happens instantly like things do in our world. And since we're trying to live in 'there' world there are things we must do."

"But Why?!" I through my hands up in the air again.

"Well, because son, we have a yard. And we have grass on that yard, and the grass-"

"Al right. Al right! I'm going, I'm going." I slinked around Carlisle and into the garage.

You see how I got mangled into this? Geez! Parents! They are so manipulative.

Okay, so I go where the mower is. I have to admit. It does look like an awesome beast of beasts.

So I got a little excited and decided this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

Okay... so just picture this. Me... on a mower... puttsing around going one mile per hour, shoulders hunched over so I could fit in there... just puttsing around on the lawn.

I cannot begin to explain how dorky I felt.

I couldn't take it any longer when Edward drove up with Bella.

"Um... Emmett...?" Bella said hesitantly over the roar of the mower knowing that I could still hear.

"Shut up." I snarled and Edward laughed at me leading Bella into the house.

"Come on Bella. Let's leave Emmett to his... puttsing." They both giggled crossing the threshold.

"Memmememieusmemew, stupid gypsy mind reader." I mocked Edward.

That was it. I couldn't do this anymore.

So I stopped the blades and put the little whatsamacallsit towards the bunny and away from the turtle and raced to the garaged where my boo-baby was tinkering with the cars.

"Hey babe." I said coming in the garage on the mower. Rose took one look at me in my position and burst out laughing.

This was getting really old. "Yea, yea, ha-ha, very funny. Hold on." I got out of it and ran towards Rose.

"Wow." Was all she said. Looking at the mower and back to me.

I sighed and let her work a little more, figuring how to say this.

"Babe?"

"Mmhmm?" She said with a wrench in her hands and a screwdriver between her lips. Gosh she's hot.

"Have I told you how beautiful you are today?" I inched near her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

She spit the screwdriver out and smiled at me. "No... You haven't."

"Well... you are so beautiful. I don't know how everybody else stands it." I whispered tactfully in her ear.

I felt her smile under my cheeks... but then it turned into a frown.

She wiggled out of my grasped and looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

"What do you want?"

I sighed. No way of getting out of this one once I was caught.

"I was wondering if you would be interested in working on this mower... maybe... give it an... upgrade..." I trailed off.

My dear Rose smirked, picked her screwdriver up, and passed by me, whispering in my ear.

"You owe me one."

Under my breath I muttered. "If I had a nickel..."


	2. Chapter 2

"Is it ready yet

"Is it ready yet?" I asked Rose as I paced up and down the marble floor in our garage.

For the last twenty minutes Rosalie had been tinkering with the lawn mower giving it an 'upgrade'. Buzzing, whirring, and flashing, the lawn mower got closer and closer to being awesome.

"No. It's not. Hold your horses babe." Rosalie said from behind her mask. It's not like she needed protection from the flames and whatnot but it made her feel powerful.

"Well, how long is it going to be?" I pushed on trying to get a straight answer from my wife.

I walked back to Rose in time to see her huff with agitation. She glared at me.

"This, Emmett, is an art. And art takes time. It'll be done when it's done. Go inside and pick on Bella or something."

"Good plan!" I smiled and walked back into our mansion.

--

"Emmett." Edward said in that tone Carlisle had just an hour earlier. I thought parents were only allowed to do that...

"I didn't do it!" I threw my hands up in the air.

He laughed as Alice and Jasper came into the living room as well.

"Emmett didn't do what?" Jasper asked in that weird I'm-mysterious-back-off voice that he had.

They sat down on the couch, Alice sitting next to Bella and Jasper sitting on the other side of Alice.

"Oh, Emmett's just being a retard like usual. Don't pay him an attention." Alice laughed.

If I had normal blood it would be boiling or... curdling. I don't remember which is which. Curdling sounds really gross so I'll go with boiling. Why couldn't anybody treat me like a person? It was always, 'look at silly Emmett, he's so stupid.' or 'don't pay attention to Emmett. He's just being stupid.' Well, I've had enough. I'm not some childish kid that everyone looked on at like something in a zoo and gave no credit too. I'm older that everyone here! Okay, well, that's a lie. Carlisle and Esme are the oldest but other than that... I'm twenty-three, I was a hunter; I had my life all under control. I was going to marry Ms. Veronica Seal and join the Navy like my older brother. People admired me then. I was somewhat of a hero. The little boys in Ms. Seal's Sunday bible class always said they wanted to grow up and be just like me. That I was the best almost grown up they've ever known. Granted, they've only been alive for six or seven years, but still they loved me.

But now? Now, I'm always the butt end of everyone's jokes. No one takes me seriously... until I get angry and start hurting people. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to show people that I mean business by tearing stuff up, hurting things. It's not fair.

Jasper looked at me with a somewhat condescending face. 'Don't Emmett. It's not worth it.' Was what his eyes said.

Edward too. He'd read all the thoughts that went through my head. And he looked a little embarrassed but authorative.

Even Alice's face turned to shock as she stared at me. "Emmett... but this console has lasted so long!" She screeched.

Bella was the only one out of loop here. Poor thing. I kind of feel bad for her. I wish Edward would just go ahead and bite her.

Edward frowned and growled maliciously at me.

Whoops. Even after seventy years with him, I forget that he can hear my thoughts. But it's not like I wouldn't have said it out loud anyway.

I looked down at the floor. I opened my mouth to say that I just wanted people to respect me without me having to resort to violence when Rosalie walked in.

"Hey babe, it's ready."

I perked up immediately, and ran over to my Rosalie and gave her a huge hug around the waist.

I looked around at all the kids in the living room and thought. 'I'll show them.'

--

Rosalie walked back with me into the garage. She was going to show me how to work it with all the new stuff.

"Alright this little thing here is the accelerator."

"I know that Rose." I said, rolling my eyes.

She cleared her throat and started over. "This is the accelerator, but," Her finger flipped open a red box that held a switch under it. "If you flip this, it triples the capable velocity." She grinned at me and I smiled mischievously. "But before you can do that you must pull this lever." She showed me where it was...

"Yeah, ahuh, ahuh, okay, yup, so... I can I ride it now?"

"Hold your horses babe." She leaned over to give me a quick kiss. "In order for the mower to still function as it's supposed to you have to hit this trigger on the blade button. This quickens the blade movement to keep up with the pace."

"Okay, okay, okay, but can I get on it now? Carlisle's about to get home from work and I want to show him the yard!"

"Alright." She handed me the keys a bit warily. But before I grabbed them she pulled them back. "You do owe me remember..."

"uhuh. Sure babe. Whatever you want." I assured her as I grabbed the keys from her hand and hunched over in the sit again.

I frowned at my current position.

Rosalie laughed and pulled a doohickey and my sit went back and the arms expanded giving me plenty to room.

"Wow." Was all I could say as I readjusted? "You're the best."

"I know." She sighed. And with that I went puttsing out of the garage again. But I knew I would be puttsing for long. Time for hyper/vampire speed.

"Let's amp it up!" I yelled over the roar of the mower.

I put down the blades and pushed the red button simultaneously when I pushed the little switch under the red box.

BOOM!

"WHAHAHHAAAAAWHAAAAAAAA!!" I screamed like a little girl as the mower started going in circles at around one hundred and twenty miles per hour. "AHHHHHWWHWHHAHHAHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" I started laughing when I remembered about the little lever I was supposed to pull.

I reached under and pulled it...

BADABROOM! "WHHAAAA!!" I speed off in a straight line now going about a hundred and twenty miles per hour. But at least I could steer... sort of.

"MNNNAAAA!!" I bite my lip as I tried to steer the stupid thing, taking left turns and right turns. Normally I could handle this, going this fast was actually usual for me, but on a lawn mower... and completely freaked out? Nuhuh. No way.

Over the thunderous noise emitting from this beast I could hear scores of laughter coming from inside.

I'm sure everyone is getting a big kick out of this one. I know I sure am. Bella probably can't even keep up with me.

I was laughed so hard I could barely see. The mower was going so fast and I can only steer accurately. I could go to the front yard to the back yard and back within three seconds with hardly any thinking in the process. It's like it had a mind of it's own.

This was like the best roller coaster ride ever! Even better... there are no lines!!

I kept yelling and mostly going around in a circle when I started to feel dizzy and get a headache.

I turned the switch and the mowing blades off along with that lever and puttsed right back into the garage.

I guess I was completely out of it because I didn't notice Carlisle was already home.

I walked in the house covered in back lawn. The gang was silently giggling on the couch as Carlisle and Esme stared out the back wall, which was a huge plane of glass. There jaws were dropped.

"Well, Carlisle, I mowed." I said cheerfully rubbing my feet on the doormat with a goofy grin on my face. I paid no attention to the mounds of grass that got caught on the mat.

Carlisle didn't reply. He just had a look of pure shock on his face with mortification.

"Emmett... dear. Um, I... I... hmm." Esme tried to say something but was at a loss for words.

"You sure did mow son. I don't think the grass will ever grow back."

Bella laughed. "Because there is no grass."

I turned to see what they were staring at...

Whoops.

The backyard, well, the backmud would be more sufficient. It was just wet brown ground with flecks of green here or there.

Esme looked like she could cry. "Where did it go?"

The kids laughed and pointed at me.

My parents turned to look at me... me covered in what was once our beautiful lawn.

Esme could have fainted; Carlisle just stared at me for a while. He just stared. Not saying anything. Every now and then he would look at the back yard and then back at me. Several agonizing minutes passed by. I wanted to point at Rosalie and say it was all her fault, but Carlisle's face was so serious I thought he would kill anybody that so much as moved a muscle.

He looked back at me. Then he started laughing. Like really full out belly laughing. If he were human, tears would already be sprouted from his eyes. He kept laughing and laughing. I, not knowing what else to do joined in with him.

But he went back into serious mode and gave me a look that said, this wasn't funny.

But he started laughing again and grabbed Esme's hand and led her out of the room.

We were all silent for a few moments before everyone else burst out laughing as well, except for me.

Jasper got up and handed Rosalie something. "Thanks Rose." he smiled.

I just backed up into a corner not tacking part into their conversation, just focusing on breathing for the most part.

"No problem. Besides, I was glad to do it. Emmett owed me this much."

It was all a set up. Even Bella was in on it. I knew Edward should have just taken her that first day.

I just stood there through all their little stories on how it came about. It was like I wasn't there. I wanted it that way. I kind of felt like Jasper.

They had talked for about an hour before Bella said she had to leave.

This brought me out of my mind.

I got up from the wall,

"Rosalie," I shook my head, "That mower went much more than triple it's normal speed."

So there you have it folks. Everyone wins. Rosalie wins, because she finally got me back, the other guys won because they got the best laugh of their life, Esme and Carlisle won... because... okay well they didn't win anything but an opportunity to get better grass. And last but not least, I won because I am fired from ever mowing again for an eternity. Which is way to soon for me.


End file.
